Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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