i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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