A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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