its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You need a sexual gate keeper
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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