apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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