TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
