there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize