You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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