i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He better not be in your backpack
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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