I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
