can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
