Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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