I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize