last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
