He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
