i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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