Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
