My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
