my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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