nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The Olympian is in my bed
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
