your parents love me but you hate me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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