No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
