You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
