My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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