I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
