Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
