Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
