i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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