i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
