I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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