did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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