Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize