I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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