dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
