Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
