I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
