My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
