just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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