My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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