Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
