my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
