Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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