Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
