I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
