I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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