you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
