Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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