i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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