I smell stomach acid.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize