I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
