The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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