she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Text me some of your sweat
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
