Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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