thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
