Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
