We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
