I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
