Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
