Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
