remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
