You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
