You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
