I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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