Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
