I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
