Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
