just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
