I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
